By R.L. Cole
Have you ever felt like you wanted to leave the planet? I’m not talking figuratively, I’m speaking literally. I have. I used to feel like that every day. I tried to leave this world 3x, but the attempt was foiled each time. I was spared so that I could write these words to you. If you feel like this, somebody cares, somebody understands. Me.
The Pain
At my lowest, I felt like life for me would never change. Marriage, kids, doctors, chronic pain, mental instability, pills, overdue bills & mounting debt–it all became too much for me. I lost my job, I lost my health, I lost my husband, I lost my home, and ultimately…I lost my mind.
Between chronic pain, depression, and anxiety I got to the point where I couldn’t leave my home. One day I decided that I couldn’t take it anymore. I had tried everything to get better, gone to a multitude of doctors and their procedures. I finally decided that I would put an end to it. I would take my own life. I began to save up my prescription medication so that this attempt would finally work. The last 2 attempts were foiled; this time, I made sure no one knew what I was planning.
That night, I was very methodical. I showered, combed my hair, fixed my face, and sat down at my dining room table with a tall brown prescription pill bottle full of pills that I had saved. I got myself a glass of water, and a cup of hot tea to speed up the process. I took those pills by the handful. Once I finished, I got into my “pain chair”, prayed that God would understand and not banish me to hell, and went to sleep.
I woke up in the hospital and was angry and upset the second I realized that I was still alive. One of the medical team techs came to my room the morning after. She stood over me and said, “They told me you were still alive, but I didn’t believe it. I had to come and see for myself”. She then looked at me and sternly scolded me. She informed me that I had no right to commit suicide. She said this was not my life to take and was not my time to go.
That last suicide attempt was a close call, I got closer to death than I ever have.
Purpose
From there, the road was long and challenging. It was during the 2006-2008 market crash, a time of widespread uncertainty and loss. I lost my home and lived with the constant fear that any day, the realtor would lock me out for good. Each time I left, I didn’t know if I’d return to find a door I could no longer unlock.
In that dark season, I was blessed by the kindness of a former co-worker who rented me a room just in time, giving me a lifeline when I needed it most. It was one of the hardest periods of my life—a time of overwhelming hardship and heartache—but I came to a profound realization: suicide was not an option. I knew I had to find a reason to keep moving forward, no matter how small or distant it seemed.
My reasons are my faith, mental health counseling, and medication. Yes, medication. Eventually, I began to see the light at the end of the tunnel. Life wasn’t so miserable as it was before. I journaled my feelings which was very helpful. I cried out to God for strength and grace, and He granted them both. I was able to get my ducks in a row and get my paperwork together for temporary disability and the forms required for the apartment that I applied for.
By the grace of God, I moved into a brand new apartment in a brand new complex that was beautiful. Day by day, I pressed my way. I know it was nothing but the power of God that kept me during that time. I went to my mental health appointments even though it was hard to get myself together to get there. But in going to IOP (Intensive Outpatient Therapy) I found that I was not the only one who felt like I did. There were others, many others, some more in trouble than I was.
I realized that God had spared me to help others by sharing my story and being there for people. Little by little, step by step, I found, (I’m finding), purpose in my journey back to reality.
Maybe your story doesn’t look like mine, but your story is important. Share with others so that you know that your life is not in vain. Your life too, has purpose. Find yours beyond your pain.
